Hearing Myself by Nicole

It seems I have more time to think out here. Maybe I'm thinking the same amount, but I certainly hear myself more nowadays. Lately I've been quite reflective and thinking about how our life has changed so much, and how it could be different.

I had a miscarriage several months ago. I've been thinking about it quit a bit lately, probably because if I hadn't had the miscarriage I would be about 8.5 months pregnant. It's strange to think that we would be welcoming a new member into our family in the next few weeks if I hadn't had the miscarriage.

It's interesting where my heart is at with the matter. I am not sad about it (now), and not glad. I guess what I am is aware that God really knows what is best for us. I'm not saying that God causes miscarriages or anything like that, but what I am saying is that God knew that having a newborn around this time was not right for our family. I can only imagine that I would be really stressed and worried about how I was going to manage 2 children while Trent is still adjusting to his new job. How would I cope with being in a new place, way out here in nowhere land, barely knowing anyone? I don't think it would have been very pretty.

It's not that I don't think I'm capable of dealing with all of those things, I'm sure I would do alright if it were the case, but I think it's better that it's not the case.

This isn't the most concise blog, its just me spitting out thoughts that needed to come out. We didn't tell the world about the miscarriage when it happened, because it seemed really personal, even borderline embarrassing. See, a lot of people are very open in sharing there thoughts on the "proper" spacing of kids. Trent and I had decided long before Ila was conceived that we wanted to have our kids close together in age, which we have now discovered is not as socially pleasing as kids spaced 2+ years apart. After we had Ila, we started hearing people warn us to make sure not to get pregnant too soon and all that jazz. The worst was after we found out I was pregnant and people kept saying things like"don't get pregnant too soon!" and "make sure you are being careful, you don't want to have your kids too close together!" Trent and I usually snickered in secret to one another, but I felt concerned that when we told people we were pregnant they would judge us, or think we were foolish. I am easily hurt by people saying negative things about something I'm excited about. For example: "I'm pregnant!" I would say. "Wow, so soon? You are really going to have your hands full." Maybe I'm a little over sensitive, but that kind of reaction would have hurt my feelings.

It was a breath of fresh air when I ran into one of my sisters at the Obstetricians office and our secret was outed to her. She was nothing but happy for us, and encouraged us that we would do great with kids 13 months apart! It was so nice to have someone say "good for you!"

I say the miscarriage was borderline embarrassing because I thought people would think that it happened because my body wasn't ready yet and that it was too soon after having Ila. I suppose I felt like people would have an "I told you so" remark going off in their head as they would tell me how sorry they were. I also felt like something was wrong with me for sure. I had a successful pregnancy with Ila, so why didn't this one take? It's taken some time for us to come to terms with the whole situation, and to understand it fully. I think I'm finally past the "something must be wrong with me" stage. We know that there was nothing wrong with me, making me unable to carry a baby, but that it was just not meant to be. I didn't understand why at the time, but now that I'm so close to the due date I understand that with complete confidence.

To wrap up I'll say that there are so many questions with early miscarriages that will not be answered this side of heaven. Sometimes that bothers me and other times I'm at peace with it. I am totally at peace with what happened though, and I am in awe that God knows us so intimately and knew that this time was not right for us to have another baby. I've also learned that telling people how to go about spacing their kids out is not my place. I don't know if I ever did that anyway, but if I did, I sure won't now!

Also, miscarriage is hard, scary and heartbreaking, but nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. There is always a reason, but I don't need to know why in order to accept and heal. God knows, and He is in control, and that's good enough for me.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.