Communion by Nicole

Getting down to the nitty gritty, the deep stuff can be difficult. In relationships with others, with yourself and with God it can all be difficult. It's no surprise to any of our blog readers, family and friends that the last month and a half have been pretty difficult for our Becker family. You can read below for the details, if your just tuning in now, but I will recap for you as well.

Beginning of April- found out our little flicker of life growing inside my body was not growing or flickering.

The following week- told that the flicker of life was back!

the next day- told that the flicker of life really was gone.

Mid-April- had a miscarriage, which was not pretty or painless and involved a trip to the ER and the OR

Beginning of May- Trent lost a good friend from high school to cancer. We went to Jerome for his funeral.

Mid-May- My Great Aunt passed away. Ila and I are going to her funeral next week.

Of course there have been good things in the midst of these heartbreaks, but that is not what the blog is about.

When I found out that I was going to have another miscarriage I was utterly heartbroken. I had times when I thought that there was no way I could handle the pain of losing another baby, and I felt totally stuck in sorrow. I knew in my brain that it was time to press into the Lord, but I often forgot what that meant and what it looked like. Mostly though, I felt forgotten. I felt like God had blessed us with the miracle of conceiving a child, and then forgotten the delicate intricacies of getting that baby through 9 months of necessary growth before delivery. All along I knew in my head that my Father was not in the least bit forgetful, but my heart couldn't get there. I felt at times that I was living in a world where God existed, loved and looked after all of his children except me, because I was a forgotten. Again and again I told myself that this was not the case, and Trent kept reminding me of God's love and sacrifice for me, and I knew it to be true, but didn't feel it to be true.

So there I was, feeling empty. There was a communion service at Trent's friend Tom's funeral. Trent and I took communion and as I was walking back to my seat, after eating and drinking the blood of Christ, it all came back. There was the Lord, in me. The physical aspect of the symbolic act of eating and drinking the flesh and blood of Christ, the taking in of the Lord, was just that. There He was, God, in me once again. I felt light, a heaviness lifted from my heart, and so totally not forgotten. At the same time I also knew that it was not that God had forgotten me, or left me in any way, it's that the grief, confusion and emotional distress of the loss of another life IN me had veiled the presence of the Lord in me. But there He came, bursting out from behind the veil, from out of the room I had stored Him in, from my brain into the rest of me.

In reflection on this whole event, I can see God everywhere. Covering me in love, taking care of me through my sorrows, even though He knew I was feeling completely forgotten He would not let it be so. See, God loves us fiercely! Even the way in which He was unveiled once again to me shows me how much the Lord knows me, cares for me and desires closeness with me. He waited with me and in me, never leaving me for a second. And then, in the power of communion, all was recognized and revealed once again.

I've had a much better time sorting through all these feelings of loss over the past 2 weeks. I feel like I'm capable of dealing with these feelings, that we will get through this miscarriage and grow from it. I don't feel forgotten or alone in my personal sorrow and pain. How awesome is it that even in our internal sorrow, pain, problems etc. we are not alone?! It is so much better to have the Lord to hold my hand while I sort through my own feelings that there are no words or ways to share with Trent. Some things really are completely uncommunicable, and it is easy to feel desperate and alone with those feelings, but with God you don't feel that way.

So here I am, back in communion with God, sorting, dealing and healing with Him & with Trent. They say when it rains, it pours, and I won't disagree with that, but I will encourage you to let God be your umbrella.